Drop Dead Gorgous -The fact of the matter is there isn’t a line of dialogue that is not unquotable. Every single solitary character trait and quip is comedy gold
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron burgundy- “I’m trapped in a glass cage of emotion” made me pee my pants
Role Models- “I don’t want to get too graphic, but I sucked his cock for drugs.” Jane Lynch is my hero
Best in Show- “That’s not busy bee, that’s a bear…dressed as a bee. You OBVIOUSLY DON’T KNOW MY DOG!!!”
Zoolander- “I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. I invented the piano key neck tie, I invented it. What have you invented Derek zoolander? Nothing…NOTHING!!!!!”
DRAMA
Crash- When that little girl runs out to protect her dad from the shop owner with the gun…..there are no words
Match Point- One of the most intense character studies on cheating, and how it affects every person involved
Black Snake Moan- Crazy, sweaty, red neck soap opera with so much heart
The Family Stone- A chick flick with balls. This starts off very Hollywood typical, but ends up actually having some very important things to say about love and family and acceptance. Plus the deaf gay son is totally hot
Irreversible- A French film that has some of the most brutal scenes ever committed to film. There’s a 15 minute rape scene. There’s a death by fire extinguisher at a sex club called “Rectum.” It’s a very rough film to get through, but worth it.
ACTION
The Bourn Trilogy- Just perfect execution of very smart people across the board doing crazy ass violent things.
Die Hard- The birth of the wise-cracking anti hero. Yippee ki-ya muther fucker!”
Terminator 2: Judgment Day- The special effects hold up today, and the action and emotion are at equal levels, so you actually care about the people running away from all the explosions
Bad Boys 2- Pure nonsense on a level no one but a 7 year old boy could fathom. It’s totally racist and misogynist, but damned if they don’t make everything look cool, as it blows up in slo motion.
John Woo’s HARD BOILED
SCI-FI
The Abyss- Probably one of my all time favorite films. The technology of the future depicted here is fascinating. The action is fast and hard hitting. My two favorite scenes: The aliens creating 3 mile high tidal waves that approach every major costal city in the world, only to stop them at the last second; the sight of a wall of water right next to the statue of liberty is creepy, but really cool. The second is when Ed Harris has to watch his wife slowly and painfully drown, so he can carry her body out of the wreckage and onto dry land. The scene where he performs CPR on her body is the tear jerker to end all tear jerker’s
Children of Men- Fascinating and scary portrait of the future, but with just enough hope
Blade Runner- Also a fascinating and scary depiction of the future, only without the hope. Bleak, scary, violent, and sad. It’s also gripping as hell and every shot is a dream to look at
Star Trek- The new one. Just pure escapist fun done to perfection. J.J. Abrams is the new Spielberg
Contact- A film that deals with science and religion head on, with one of Jodi fosters best performances ever
FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
Brotherhood of the wolf- One of my all time favorites, along with The Abyss. This is a swashbuckling monster movie from France that takes place in the 1800’s and is based on a true story. There’s also a native American Indian who does martial arts and frequent trips to a very steamy brothel. Its pretty bug nuts insane, but an epic action romance the likes of which I doubt we’ll be seeing any time soon. Think a Pirates of the Caribbean film, only REALLY rated R
Pans Labyrinth- Both creepy and heartbreaking, Gierllmo Del Torro once again proves that his imagination knows no bounds
Let the Right One In- 13 year old human falls in love with a….13 year old looking vampire girl who moves into his desolate, snowy apartment complex in 80’s Sweden. I know it doesn’t sound like it, but it’s one of the best thrillers I’ve ever seen.
The City of Lost Children- Crazy ass French fairy tale on acid for grown ups
Nightwatch/ Daywatch- The Lord of the Rings meets the Matrix meets Russia. Don’t ask questions; just accept the nonsense on an EPIC level of destruction and black magic.
FANTASY
Legend- Tom Cruise’s first film. It’s a brothers Grimm fairy tale brought to the screen as it should be, dark and graphic. The sexual overtones are not subtle, and it’s most definitely not for the little ones. But Ridley Scott paints ever shot, every composition like it’s a painting. You can pause this at any given moment and mount what you see on the wall. P.S. the trailer for this is probably one of the best i've ever seen (if you can look past all the 80's cheese)
The Lord of the Rings- It’s awesome, we all know this, that is all
The Dark Crystal- Jim Henson decided to create a world using puppets, NOT Muppets. What we get is a very original movie which is a one of a kind feature. There are no humans in it, only puppets. Many of them even speak in another subtitles language. The puppets turned off the adults, and the subject matter is too grown up for kids, so not too many people know about this one, but take my word for it. It’s fascinating.
Dragonslayer- Disney pretty much lost their shit in the mid 80’s. Their cartoons were failing (the black cauldron anyone?) and so they decided to try and make more “adult” films. Here is the product. A surprisingly bloody and action packed dragon movie with some great social commentary on dictatorship thrown in so it can act legit. Oh, and the dragon looks badass even today!
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban- Didn’t read the books, but for my money this is the best so far. The mood and atmosphere created was so dense and effective, mundane scenes are now captivating. Also, the kid’s performances were the best here, and have yet to be matched.
KIDS FILM
The Goonies- If you haven’t seen this, I’m currently judging you…..and so is Jesus
The Sandlot- “Once a ball goes over that fence, it stays there….FOREVER!”FOREVER!......” quotable film to end all quotable films
Monster Squad- Little seen goonies rip off that is actually really great. Complete with cursing tykes and “wolfmans got balls!” jokes.
E.T. The Extra Terrestrial- Clearly
A Little Princess- Done by Alfonzo cuaron, the same man behind CHILDREN OF MEN and PRISONER OF AZKABAN, and also Y TU MAMA TAMBIEN. This guy knows how to use atmosphere and music and sound and performances to come together to create a mood that helps tell the story just as much as the words that are spoken
CARTOON
The Land before Time- So I will never forget little foot seeing his own shadow and thinking it’s his dead mother. Or at the end when they get to the great valley and all the kids are reunited with their parents EXCEPT little foot cause his are all dead. And now as an adult I get all chocked up when I realize the great valley is a metaphor for heaven, and that they all died. Wow, this movie was a real downer!!!
An American Tail- That song which is now a staple at every wedding known to man is actually quite touching in context with the film…..also another downer
The Iron Giant- This film reminds me what it’s like to be 5 years old again, and ANY little toy can inspire your imagination
The Prince of Egypt- The best adaptation of a story from the bible ever. And that includes THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST. There, I said it!
The Secret of N.I.H.M.- A cartoon that’s heavy on action and violence and low on romance or singing….as in none of either.
DISNEY CARTOON
The Hunchback of Notre Dam- The most mature cartoon Disney has ever made
The Little Mermaid- The most fun cartoon Disney ever made
The Rescuers Down Under- I’m a sucker for accents!!!
The Fox and the Hound- This film really got to me as a child
The Emperors New Groove- I debated putting this in the best comedy category cause it’s just that f-ing funny. I forget I’m watching a cartoon and just laugh till it hurts
MUSICAL
The Little Shop of Horrors
Moulin Rouge- It’s crazy and obnoxious and frustrating. However it’s also perfected the quieter moments, which holds it together. When zidler sings the show must go on….chills.
Repo: The Genetic Opera- It’s like the Rocky Horror Picture Show, only instead of being so bad it’s good, this is actually really good. There is punk rock, acid metal, opera, pop, and Sarah brightman and Paris Hilton share the stage at one point. Lol. Just let that sink in for a moment
Sweeny Todd- Sad and melancholy, but beautiful in it’s depravity
Across the Universe- Simply amazing. Every song, every performance, every swooping camera shot. Everything about this film is sumptuous and fulfilling. My own personal fav of the musical section
TEEN FILM
Heathers- “Fuck me gently with a chainsaw, who do I look like, mother Teresa?” Sharp as nails comedy that has a lot to say about how fucking retarded high school can be, and not afraid to say it. We’re talking Christian Slater rigging the school with a bomb, and Wynona Ryder killing the most popular girl in school and making it look like a suicide. What happens? All the other kids start following suit. If the popular girl killed herself, that must be the “in” thing to do. Scary in its implications, but hilarious in its execution.
Ferris Buellers Day Off- This film taught me how to skip school…..and live life
Mean Girls- Say what you will about the hot tranny mess that is Lindsay lohan right now, but this movie spoke to my generation of teenagers like no other film had. “Boo you whore!”
Fame- Clearly I’m speaking of the original. Very dramatic and VERY R rated. It dealt with issues of rape and alcoholism very frankly. They also had killer musical numbers.
The Breakfast Club- Very uneven for me. Sometimes a slapstick comedy, sometimes a stone cold drama, but when it works it works. And the scene near the end where all the kids open up to one another about their problems is so very touching.
ROMANTIC COMEDY
Love Actually- I cried like a little bitch all through the last half of this. Amazing actors given really challenging work to do here, revealing all the ugly truths about love.
The Break Up- This film starts off as a comedy and somewhere along the lines, without really noticing it, it becomes very serious. I like that, it surprised me.
50 First Dates- The only Adam Sandler movie I like. And most of it has to do with drew Barrymore being her hippy amazingness and him toning down the redardedness he’s usually throwing out there.
Amele- A perfect little slice of cheesecake. There isn’t so much a plot as there are montages and sequences that stand alone, but when strung together, create this uplifting and cheerful fable of a permanently optimistic girl.
True Romance- Quinton Tarentino‘s first movie….that he wrote. Tony Scott directed it. It stars Christopher walken, brad pitt, Gary oldman, Christian Slater, and Patricia arquett. Aka best cast ever
COMIC BOOK ADAPTATION
The Dark Knight- To quote Caitlin: “There are no words.”
Sin City- The perfect film noir…that happens to be based on a comic book
The Incredible Hulk- For my money better than Iron Man by a mile. Edward Norton and Liv Tyler are amazing actors that bring a lot of humanity to the roles. That being said it’s an action film first, and the showdown in the streets of New York beats anything I’ve seen in the iron man movie easily.
Hellboy one and two- Cookey, bizarre, and filled to the brim with pure imagination, I can’t get enough of these characters and their “anything goes” world.
X Men 2: X Men United- The first one was great but was held back by a very small budget that showed, and was distracting. This one was much more sure footed, and evenly paced. The attack on the white house that opens the film is such a rush!
CRIME/FILM NOIR
THE UNTOUCHABLES- Brian De Palma is one of my favorite directors because he utilizes film for everything its worth. He doesn’t rely on words to push the story along; he can use montage like no one’s business. That gift elevates this movie into something amazing to watch. Plus Sean Connery is in it, and he’s pretty much the most bad ass person that ever lived, except for maybe Jesus himself
Running Scared- This is another personal best of all time. It is so far over the top in every which way, you will be shocked at everything. There are pedophiles. There is washing machine sex complete with Paul walker’s bare ass. There is a glow in the dark shootout in a hockey rink. There are more F bombs than any other film I’ve ever seen. It’s just kinetic lunacy.
Pulp Fiction- Obviously
Heat
The Departed
WAR
A Very Long Engagement- From the same director of Amele and The City of Lost Children (and the HIGHLY underrated Alien: Resurrection) this is a very cool little film. He uses his crazy camera movements and colors and slo motion to make every battle scene look almost like a choreographed musical number. Oh, and JODI FOSTER shows up for about 10 minutes speaking perfect French and having a VERY graphic and steamy sex scene. Kind of comes out of no where, especially since she’s not really done a sex scene in any other movie (cept the accused, but that doesn’t count.)
Uprising- European film shown as a TV movie event here in the states. It’s a fascinating story about a small group of people that kept the Germans out of their ghetto walls for an INSANE amount of time and put up a better fight than most of the actual soldiers. Fascinating, and action packed
Empire of the Sun- This is the first film of Christian bales, and even at the age of 10 he was amazing. This is more about the effects of war, specifically on a small child stuck in a prisoner of war camp. Spielberg puts so many haunting touches on this one. When the boy sees the A-Bomb go off, he looks at the light and confuses it with an angel. Or another where he runs up to the Japanese fighter pilots getting ready to take off and shoot down the Americans, he runs up to them and salute. It just breaks your heart.
U-571- Very intense balls to the wall hand to hand combat fighting movie. Just bad assness goin on up and down, left to right.
Schindlers List
THRILLER
Silence of the lambs/Red Dragon/Hannibal- Everyone has their favorite, and it’s mostly silence of the lambs. However, each film in its own distinct style and way works, and works well. My personal fav is Hannibal for it’s over the top gothic horror quality.
Identity- Best twist ending….EVER!!!!! It makes the 6’Th sense it’s bitch.
Femme Fatal- Total mind twister, but a sexy and cool one, with the best strip tease ever. I’m not just talking about committed to film, I mean EVER!!!!
Deceived- Goldie Hawn decided to be in a good movie for some reason, about a woman whose husband dies, only for him to reappear many years later living another life. She investigates, stumbles upon things she’s not supposed to. It’s a perfectly executed whodunit.
SUPERNATURAL HORROR
Poltergeist- The exorcist was always kind of silly to me. A little girl cursing? Bitch I grew up on south park, it’s gonna take more than that! A crucifix catching on fire? Sorry, raised Mormon, those catholic trinkets hold no meaning to me. Poltergeist was smart and avoided the religious angle, focusing on the family. Everyone’s been afraid of the monster in the closet, or what’s hiding under the bed. Well, in Poltergeist, all those fears come to life.
The Abandoned- A gothic horror film in the tradition of those old Vincent price hammer productions, only with better production values…and acting. This sucker is just oozing and dripping with suspense and atmosphere. And the ending does get a little trippy and “out there” but I liked it for taking risks.
The Shining- Everything about this is perfect, end of story.
The Orphanage- Spanish language film about a woman who looses her son in an old dark house and her ensuing years long investigation into what actually happened to him. Things are much more sinister as they appear when ghosts and a visit from a medium come into play.
The Ring- Just simply amazing. A fantastic moral dilemma. A scary ass villain. Fast pace and killer visuals.
SLASHER
Scream- Funny and scary in equal measures, hard to do, but done here to perfection.
Cherry Falls- The plot alone of this just kills me. A serial killer is offing students at this school, but here’s the catch. He’s only killing virgins, so all the kids go out having crazy unprotected sex with eat other to save themselves!!! And to beat a dead horse, the name of the town is Cherry Falls!!!! Hahaha, I love it. Plus there are some REALLY great chase scenes too.
I Know What You Did Last Summer- Killer version of a soap opera that is effective and genuinely thrilling toward the ending. Sarah Michelle Gellar’s death scene has yet to be topped.
Rob Zombie’s Halloween 2- For sheer brutal gory violent terror. No other film in memory executed its sole purpose of grossing you out tot eh extreme as well as this does. There are no redeeming quality’s here; just ugly messed up people getting massacred in gory, bloody ways for 2 hours.
Friday the 13’Th
FOREIGN HORROR
A Tale of Two Sisters- Remade here as “the Uninvited” but just stick with this one.
Inside- French film about a pregnant woman whose’ all alone on Christmas Eve, also the eve of her birth. Then some crazy ass bitch shows up saying she’s there to collect the baby!!! What ensues is totally gripping and gory to no end, but really tense and suspenseful. HIGHLY recommended
Infection- Bizarre and insane Japanese horror film about a hospital staff on the night shift having to deal with a phantom ambulance, and a flesh eating virus that’s spreading amongst the patients.
High Tension- A throwback to the 70’s exploitation films. It’s got one silly plot twist about half way through that turns a lot of people off, but for my money such a hokey switcheroo only adds to the grind house anything goes vibe it’s got going on.
Susperia- The last film ever shot with a Technicolor camera. This Italian film is a masterpiece, and the likes of quinten tarentino and Steven Spielberg have gone on record as saying this film inspired their filmmaking.
GORE-FEST
Dead Alive- Peter Jackson got his start before the lord of the rings making this schlocky gore fest of a comedy. There’s a ninja priest who says “I kick ass for the lord!” at one point. There’s a pregnant woman whose zombie baby eats its way out of her stomach, then strangles her to death with its umbilical cord. Then there’s the final showdown involving a lawn mower and…to this day, more gallons of blood and body parts used than ANY OTHER FILM MADE….EVER!!! You think I’m exaggerating.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2: The Beginning- Just a ho –hum follow up to a really good remake? Try a bleak and depressing commentary on the idiocy of war (in this case Vietnam) and some of the most relentless bloody carnage I’ve ever seen. It makes it all the more horrifying to know that everyone in the film is going to die from the start.
Hostel 2 unrated cut- The castration scene alone still haunts me to this day. Oh, and at one point they gun down a small 7 year old child, and SHOW IT! There’s also a woman who takes a bath in a pool of blood and gets off on it. Totally sick.
The Descent- Another bath of blood in this one too. But also a pile of animal carcasses. And LOTS of pick axe to the head action
John Carpenters The Thing- When the man is performing CPR on this other guy, and his chest opens up and closes on the dudes hands, ripping them off, I jumped out of my seat. Totally out of this world alien designs and body parts.
T.V. SHOWS
Alias- Every episode is filled to the brim with suspense. No character is safe, with main cast members getting offed every once and a while, and not even during season finalies or premiers. Quinten tarentino directed and stars in several episodes because he’s such a huge fan. Need I say more?
Battlestar Galactica- I always get shit for this one, but I will stand strong. I’m fully aware that the original was a beyond cheesy lame star wars rip off. However if you can get past that idea, what you’ll find will truly blow you away. The opening episode has an undercover robot snapping an infants neck! Not to mention suicide bombers, a nuclear holocaust, and a presidential election campaign that may or may not have been rigged. See where I’m getting at? This show, like no other before, uses its science fiction trappings to explore the outcome of issues we currently face. Religion and politics come head to head toward the climax, in one of the most satisfying endings I’ve ever seen. The creators had the ending all planned out ahead of time, so every episode, every moment, you can feel the momentum picking up speed as it barrels toward it’s bleak, but slightly hopeful, and action packed climax. I can NOT recommend this one enough. Especially since it’s the hardest sell.
Veronica Mars- What I WISH my high school experience was. Working at a detective agency and trying to exact revenge on whoever killed my best friend.
The Twilight Zone
- clearly
Twin Peaks- There are no words.
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