So vampires have always been around, and they’ve always been about sex and temptation. They offer instant gratification at a price. They are a complicated horror villain, which makes them perfect for being re-imagined over and over in different ways through cinema and books. However, the TWILIGHT saga is a shit stain on the D&G underwear that is vampires in film.
First of all, is it really a saga? Star wars was a saga; it had 6 movies and an unending parade of novels and games that spoke of its history and dense worlds. I loved the original trilogy, and loathed the new one, BUT I must concede that is was in fact a saga. Twilight is on film number two, and how many books are there? Four? Sorry guys, NOT a saga. It’s a high school drama with a vampire twist, which is a great idea to be sure, but epic it aint.
And speaking of vampires in high school; it really is a good idea. All the analogies of teen angst and puberty mixed with the temptation of becoming this immortal sex object t but at a price. It’s a match made in cinema heaven. There is a rub though. It’s been done before. A LOT. Buffy the vampire slayer had a many seasons long arc about her love for a vampire, though it wasn’t allowed. Jim Carrey got his feature film debut in “once bitten,” an 80’s comedy about a kid that falls in love with a vampire. Again in the 80’s the classic “THE LOST BOYS” brought a punk, modern twist to the Dracula legend, once again setting it in high school. The aforementioned Buffy TV show, which was on for 8 YEARS spawned a spinoff called ANGEL about a vampire who fell in love with a human, although I believe they were in college in that one. My point is, literally everything there is in TWILIGHT is full on plagiarized from other, often much better material. Every plot point, ever twist, every character motivation is so slavishly stolen from somewhere else, it’s basically a DARK SHADOWS version of sweet valley high. Oh, and DARK SHADOWS had a vampire fall in love with a human in high school, and that soap opera was on in the 60’s.
Now repetition can be fine. Dumb summer flicks don’t have to have a deep meaning or stir the soul for me to like it. I love INDEPENDENCE DAY even though in every respect it’s functionally retarded. I enjoyed Charlie’s angles even though it‘s plot was…….well, there wasn’t even one of those. Armageddon and deep impact are similar films, and I really like them both, because even though they are cheating off each other, they both do what they do really well. I don’t need it to be original for it to be good. Hell, I’m one of the few who LOVED zombies remake of the Halloween films. But Twilight was so amateurishly done. The directing so bad and acting so god awful, I can’t in my right mind understand how anyone could defend it. The answer is they can’t. Some movies are just shit. Catwoman is shit, and Halley berry knows it. I’m sure someone somewhere out there bought it and likes it, but only because they still haven’t let go of the fact that Benjamin brat is not gonna catch on, stop trying to make it happen Gretchen wieners!!! Kristen Stewart is the only credible actress in the bunch, but is given mystery Science Theater 3000 level horrible dialogue to spew out.
So why are the fans so loyal? Because they all have vaginas and do what their told and everyone says it’s really romantic and as hard ass and independent as women like to think they are, they are all nurturer caregivers by their very nature, and this material caters to them. It is not a work of fiction, nor a film. It is a product. Nothing is in any of this crap to organically move the plot forward, or deepen the characters. It’s there to pander to a very large, ignorant, gullible target demographic. And they have fallen hook, eyeliner and sinker for it. Just like tickle me Elmo or transformers or Gumby, it’s a money machine and nothing more. I’m fine with that, as long as it’s entertaining. I didn’t care for transformers one or two, but they blew the shit out of everything and even I can’t argue that it was totally bad ass. But twilight has laughable special effects, dialogue that would make the new season of 90210 look like shakspear by comparison and a plot so cookie cutter you can buy the matching baking sheet for it at your neighborhood wal-mart.
I know everyone has their own tastes, and true to form I have loved and defended films and music that no one else will even look at (I own every a-Teens cd ever, and will love the LOST IN SPACE movie till the day I die). But there are some infallible truths. The godfather is a classic. Whitney Huston had an amazing voice. Catwoman was a piece of shit. And so is this. I can’t help but judge people who unabashedly love such a filthy festering pile of duck butter (ask your local gay what that is, and make sure your parents aren’t in ear shot). You can’t argue with it. The acting sucks. Fact. The plot is not just predicable, but a retread of many other works. Fact. The direction is high school level of awkward blocking. Fact. Everything that it has to offer can be found elsewhere and done with passion and heart and vigor and actual talent. Fact.
I usually don’t feel so passionately AGAINST something as this. If I don’t like the film, I’ll move on and forget it. But this “saga” keeps popping up and it never seems to go away, and America proves that on top of still being bigoted, racist and obese, they’re all mindless drones as well. So I’m off my soapbox and am off to watch LET THE RIGHT OEN IN, probably one of the most heart wrenching and moving thrillers I’ve ever seen in my life. Oh, and it’s about a teenager who falls in love with a vampire, and it was nominated for an Oscar for best foreign language film. But you guys probably don’t’ want to watch it cause it’s got subtitles and “readings hard.” So get back to your cheese filled pretzels and watch the mtv special report with sway and lala interviewing Taylor laoughtner about how hard it was to get his abs but NOT ask how many acting lessons he’s had (none).
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