10 WORST films of '09

10.) Ninja Assassin – if you’re going to get the best fight choreographers money can buy, try hiring a director that knows how to shoot it. Dark, unfocused, and cheap, this action move had the chance to be badass, but ended up being piss poor.

9.) G.I. JOE – So you have this huge budget but you can’t afford special effects? And if you can’t afford them, why have so many. Almost every shot in this filth has some kind of Xena warrior princess level of bad CGI floating around in it. Oh, and Channing Tatum….please either keep your shirt off and dance, or keep your mouth shut. You can’t do both at the same time. Worst actor ever.

8.) Angels and Demons – A big budget Scooby doo episode with one of the most unintentionally hilarious endings since……the happening. How could murder and betrayal and cover ups in the Vatican be this boring? Tom hanks, get a new agent. You’re better than this!!!

7.) Terminator Salvation – The sequel no one wanted. The sequel the first two films didn’t need. The sequel that takes the plot no where and ends right where it began. At least it gave us that priceless Christian bale rant and subsequent dance remix which I shit you not I heard played at a gay club the other night.

6.) Obsessed – Beyonce, if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it. If ya can’t act….fucking don’t. The ending almost redeemed itself with what looked like an epic diva’off of a fight, but ended up being a tussle that any vh1 reality show outshines every night of the week. At least it have us the “oh, ima gonna have to CALL YOU BACK” like every tranny in America now has as their ring tone.

5.) Transformers 2 – racist. Sexist. Loud. Incoherent. Plot less. Humorless. How anyone can spend so much money to achieve literally hours upon hours of out of focus cgi robots hit each other is beyond me. I begged someone to explain the plot to me when this came out, almost a year later; no one has, or can. It’s just a joke of a mess with a reasonably good soundtrack.

4.) The Ugly Truth & Bride Wars – If anyone ever tries to get me to watch a romantic comedy ever again, and complains about me being so skeptical of them, I’ll point to these two turkeys. Everyone involved has proven that their better than this, so why they ended up here is beyond me.

3.) Funny People – Jud Apatow hits his first stinker. Neither Funny nor dramatic, this bore of a film suffers from the worst fate of all…it has nothing to say.

2.) X-Men Wolverine – If mystery Science Theater 3000 was still on today, they’d make this their next victim. Hands down a travesty of epic proportions. Filmmaking by committee. Bryan Singer made two amazing comic book films, only to get shit on by 20’Th century fox. X men 3 was poor, but at least had good production values. The cgi is laughable; the plot shows that it had upwards of 22 writers, that’s right, 22 FREAKIN WRITERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And the tone is all over the place with slapstick goofy humor mixed with high drama. At least Hugh jackman looks hot. But then I could open a magazine and get my fix of that. Just an embarrassment.

1.) Watchmen – They said the comic was unfilmable. They were right. Zack Snyder is an awesome director/writer. I LOVED both 300 and his Dawn of the Dead remake. Here however he seems to prove the critics right. That he’s only good at making things look good, but when it comes to actual honest to got storytelling, he’s a failure. I even gave this one a second chance in directors cut form, and it was WORSE!!!!!!! From the visual aesthetic, to the editing, to the pacing. Every step he takes is the wrong one. At with such high expectations, this is my number one worst film of ‘09