In antici.....PATION of PROMETHEUS coming out I thought I'd bring it upon myself to outline the strictly need to know info on the Alien movies that preceded it. With everyone whisper speaking the title (Prometheus) in reverential hushed tones as it's JUNE 8'th release looms ahead I feel it's wise to pay respect where respect is due. And if there was ever anything that deserved, nay DEMANDED all our collective respects it's Oscar winner William Hurt getting raped in the face by an intergalactic being. The thing didn't even buy him dinner first, AND apparently in the future abortions aren't allowed (this doesn't bode will for Obama) So he has to give birth to a chest baby. RESPECT FACE RAPE! RESPECT CHEST BABIES!
ALIEN:
So a space cat and a crew of a bunch of no names and the dad from POLTERGEIST 3 and Sigourney Weaver before she saved all those gorillas from that mist are all in hypersleep on their way home from coal mining in Uranus or wherever. By the way, why is it called HYPER sleep. Isn't that an oxymoron? Also, how come no one has ever questioned how fucking bizarre a name SIGOURNEY is? Whatever it's important to note that neither Sigourney Mizz WEAVER if your nasty and the dad from poltergeist 3 had not at this time attained the level of international fame and stardome they now both poses. So they are all EXPENDABLE!
They wake up from hyper sleep because their spaceship who they call "mother" is all "there is a distress signal in the furthest reaches of space and there is for some reason no one around for light years and so we must go investigate it even though it's already been established that this ship and it's crew are MINERS and not in any way trained in science or combat." MOTHER isn't big on words, so most of that above message is conveyed in ominous robot beeps and blinking dashboard lights. So the crew begrudgingly head over to planet LV-423 (I'm kinda shocked they didn't name the planet "Martin Luther King Jr. Planet" seeing as how we can't stop naming streets that here and now. WILL OUR NEED FOR NAMING EVERYTHING AFTER MARTIN LUTHER KING JR EVER BE SATIATED?!?!?!?!??!) They arrive on the planet and shit gets real. Well, it's gets fiction is a better way to put it. SCIENCE FICTION!
Close the other internet window you have open with your google search for "taint tatooes" because this is the stuff you NEED TO KNOW before you see (now whisper speak this in your mind for dramatic effect) PROMETHEUS. The crew comes across a crashed spaceship that looks like a giant horse shoe. Of course they go in side and start wandering around in the dark. They find a HUGE MASSIVE....um...I'm gonna call it the most technologically advanced la-z-boy recliner in history. and IN that recliner is a MASSIVE.....um.....centiped-ish looking thing with an elephant skull looking head. Lindsay Lohan after a coke bender at the Roosevelt basically. The crew check it out and notice that it's basically fossilized (and NO that doesn't mean it turned into a watch!) and something had clearly burst from it's chest while it was alive because his chest is all broken outward and shizz (again these people are MINERS and not scientists so their CSI of the sitch is primitive at best).
They continue on undeterred by what is clearly an INTERGALACTIC BAD FUCKING OMEN and find a bunch of eggs. William hurt sees one "hatch" and by hatch i mean the first time i saw it I was creepily and secretly reminded of a vaginas lips peeling back. I felt ashamed and dirty for thinking it looked like that until Sir Ridley Scott (he really has been knighted, so that SIR wasn't ball caressing on my part) says in the making of that he hired some Swedish sicko named H.R. GEIGER to make everything look phallic or sexual in some way to make everyone queasy. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! Anyway this spider with a tail jumps out onto Mr Hurts face. It's tail slides all the way down his throat into his lungs and it's legs wrap around his head. It has acid for blood. It eventually dies and falls off on it's own but not before making sweet sweet intergalactic love with the dudes face and impregnating him with a lil' baby alien which then bursts from his chest while they are all eating space spaghetti and then the baby alien kills everyone except the gorillas savior and THAT DARN CAT!
Other things happen in between, like Mizz Weaver wandering around the ship in the dark with a flame thrower in her underwear, a robot that no one knew was a robot goes haywire and tries to face rape mizz weaver with a magazine (there is a lot of face rape by objects other than penises in this film). Oh and poltergeist 3 dad gets cocooned in a slimy egg thingy and begs for a mercy killing. OH and the craycray secret robot was programed to LET the alien kill the crew so he could take it home with him to earth and give it to his company WEYLAND INDUSTRIES!!!
And then also there is this:
