ALIENS for IDIOTS

In antici.....PATION of PROMETHEUS coming out I thought I'd bring it upon myself to outline the strictly need to know info on the Alien movies that preceded it. With everyone whisper speaking the title (Prometheus) in reverential hushed tones as it's JUNE 8'th release looms ahead I feel it's wise to pay respect where respect is due. And if there was ever anything that deserved, nay DEMANDED all our collective respects it's Oscar winner William Hurt getting raped in the face by an intergalactic being. The thing didn't even buy him dinner first, AND apparently in the future abortions aren't allowed (this doesn't bode will for Obama) So he has to give birth to a chest baby. RESPECT FACE RAPE! RESPECT CHEST BABIES! ALIEN: So a space cat and a crew of a bunch of no names and the dad from POLTERGEIST 3 and Sigourney Weaver before she saved all those gorillas from that mist are all in hypersleep on their way home from coal mining in Uranus or wherever. By the way, why is it called HYPER sleep. Isn't that an oxymoron? Also, how come no one has ever questioned how fucking bizarre a name SIGOURNEY is? Whatever it's important to note that neither Sigourney Mizz WEAVER if your nasty and the dad from poltergeist 3 had not at this time attained the level of international fame and stardome they now both poses. So they are all EXPENDABLE!

Femme Fatale Album Review

Till the world ends - Love the darker tone to this song. And the "oh's" that make up almost the entirety of the chorus is overly simplistic but also catchy as hell (Britney in a nutshell?). It comes dangerously close to sounding like kesha (who wrote it) but britbrits producers make it sound "big" enough to not warrant that comparison in the end.
Favorite Lyric: "If you want this good shit. Sicker than the remix. Baby let me blow your mind tonight"
4/5

Hold it against me - Fast, dark, rough around the edges. Dub step. Sexual innuendo. LOVE THIS SONG.
5/5

Inside out - mid tempo sucker that is SOOOOOOOO addicting. It feels like the pop equivalent to Charlie sheen WINNING! It’s coke. When she belts "SO COME ON!" out of nowhere it really took me by surprise. LOVE IT! Think I may prefer a faster paced remix down the road though.
Favorite lyric: "So come on, won’t you give me something to remember, baby shut your mouth and turn me inside out."
4/5

I I I wanna go go go - I hate to say "classic Britney" because I’m not sure what that means and if it's even a compliment. But this song is a really good time. It's quick, fast and really fun and catchy. It's also the most traditional song on this album.
Favorite Lyric: "Shame on meeeee, to need releaseeee!"
4/5

How I Roll - This is some straight up next level shit. There are no words. It's too bizarre and eccentric to be a single, but man this is the stand out best song of the album by a long shot. It's erratic, bizarre, weird, kooky and strange in ALL THE RIGHT WAYS. The only thing I could even think to compare it to would be KYLIE's "nu-di-ty" (oh hey bloodshy and avant, same producers!)
5/5

Drop Dead (Beautiful) - Veers a little TOO MUCH into hip hop territory for my own personal taste, however "in the zone" era fans will eat this shit up. I thought that was britbrit rapping in it for a sec, only to realize it's some unknown chick named SABI who sounds....EXACTLY like Britney. I think they should have just either grown balls and let brit do the rap and OWN it, or cut it out and taken the song in a different direction. I LOVE the chorus, but not too hot on the verses.
2/5


Seal it With a Kiss –‘filler’ comes to mind. The only thing that saves it is its dirty "80's" tiffany or Debbie Gibson vibe this sucker has going on.
2/5

Big Fat Bass - Will.I.Am did this sucker and you can tell. This isn't a problem though. It sounds like one of the more progressive black eyed peas tracks they have out there. Very simple and repetitive. As a fully structured song it doesn’t really hold up and comes off more as a transitional piece of music to get from one song to another but it's catchy and fun.
3/5

Trouble for Me - Another kooky and eccentric song, this time with a "rocker" edge. Reminds me of "iii wanna go go go" in that it's a very catchy song front to back and very "typical" Britney. What makes this stand out is the sharp jabs into experimental territory as far as the production is concerned.
Favorite Lyric: " Cheers, cheers, tip your glass!"
4/5

Trip to your Heart - wow. Ok...um. This is a Lisa frank trapper keeper meets the matrix meets an 80's Saturday morning cartoon theme song. Its sooooooooo cheesy and sooooooo sweet and soooooooooo beyond overproduced. I EFFING LOVE IT! I love it the way I love XANADU. I love it the way I love a good tranny show. It's obnoxious in all the right ways and frankly daring in it’s "in your face" attitude towards Britney’s critics (aka the world) who say she's an empty soulless vessel. Well, this song lives up to that stereotype, and like a flip of the bird she goes SO FAR BEYOND her own shortcomings. It's like she owns it.
5/5

Gasoline - Best Britney vocals since "I was born to make you happy." but make no mistake, this is darker. The chorus is spooky, almost downright scary. She also pulls a ROBYN and has a somewhat cheerful sound to her as she sings creepy things things like "your setting me on fire, your setting me on fire!" after talking about striking a match and pouring the gasoline.
4/5

Criminal - Pan flute. Slow jam. Great song that I see why they left for the albums closing. It does not jell with the rest of the album AT ALL. it sounds like Madonna (mind you it "sounds" like Madonna in style and tone only, not like one of her actual SONG, like "Born this Way") Personal lyrics (though I don't see how personal they can be, there are 35 songwriters credited to this album and Britney isn't one of them.) But in its own right it's really good. I guess I’ll just have to let it grow on me a bit more before I make up my final decision on this one.
Favorite lyric: "Mama I’m in love with a criminal. And this type of love isn't rational, it's physical. Mama I will be all right please don’t' cry. I will be all right."
3/5

Bottom line: This is her best album ever. It is better than anything else on the music scene right now. It definitely stands on its own and has nothing to even be compared to (so don’t even THINK about bringing gaga up.) It’s some of the most progressive, forward thinking dance music I’ve heard since…..well since ROBYN’s “Body Talk” album last year. But before that…..I can’t think of a time. Ok I’ll give in and throw gaga a shout out. Remember how “Fame Monster” sounded just like “The Fame” only bigger and more epic? Well you simply couldn’t compare this CD sonically to too much of her past efforts. It’s that much of a home run. However at this point Britney is more of a brand than a human being, and much like the "saw" film franchise this thing is "review proof." I don't think anyone's out there waiting to hear positive word of mouth before picking this up. but if there ARE, well.....go pick it up.

What happened to GOOD kids movies?

When I was a young child, my movie going experiences were always filled with fast chases, funny gags, and adventure. Honest to god adventure. When the Fratelli's pop up at the end of THE GOONIES my heart raced! When Little foot and the rest of the dino gang had the great valley in their sights only for sharp tooth to pounce at them for one final showdown I was on the edge of my (high) chair. Who can forget when all seemed lost for E.T. only to see those flowers come back to life? These moments are fondly remembered by anyone of my generation, but as of late "children's movies" seem to be void of these moments. Kids movies are for kids and no one else these days, and as entertaining as they may be they also seem to be forgotten as quickly as a bag of cotton candy. Light, fluffy, and gone in an instant, never to be remembered again. No one is revisiting CATS AND DOGS or SHREK THE 3'RD. Why is that? Does Hollywood not aspire to make great family entertainment anymore, or are they afraid to? Do they purposefully avoid making lasting memorable characters and moments for the entire family, or are they settling with the pop culture reference filled candy colored quickie’s they keep churning out these days?


"You’re dead if you only aim for kids. Adults are only kids who've grown up anyway" - Walt Disney.


Danger is an integral part in any well done drama. There needs to be a conflict great enough to warrant a story being told around it. Back in the 70's and 80's this ideology was applied to children’s films with just as much measure as the adult ones. The Fratelli family in THE GOONIES all brandished guns at some point, and often had them trained on kids. Sharp Tooth was so scary in THE LAND BEFORE TIME because we see him kill little foots mother in the opening moments of the film. The reason we care so much for E.T. is because we had to endure almost half an hour of doctors and scientists slowly and painfully poking and proding him to death, reveling in his undeserved pain.

I remember as a child being warned by my parents not to get in a car with strangers. They'd never say exactly what specifically would happen if I did and so my imagination filled in the blanks. Witches in disguise, red necks stealing kids to feed to their pet alligator and other oddball ideas came to mind. I was scared to death of what might happen. Eventually I grew up and realized I was way off course with that one, but the truth was a cold slap of reality. Pedophiles and murderers. One of my favorite books as a child was THE WITCHES by Roald Dahl. I loved the movie the Jim Henson Company made of it in equal measures. I was thrilled to see these kids my age do battle with all these evil witches who wanted to turn the world’s children into mice. Watching this film as an adult takes on an entire new meaning. The fear of losing a child is the most horrifying thing a parent can think of. There is a sequence specifically in the book and film that, upon reflection, is one of the most disturbing things I’ve ever seen. A homely mother is walking her new born baby in a stroller at the seaside hotel the story takes place at. A witch in disguise comes up and starts doting on the newborn as women often do. Just when the mother looks away, the witch pushes the baby carriage away. It goes careening down a hill toward the rocky cliffs. As the mother screams for help and our main protagonist gives chase, the witch cackles in delight. We're about to watch a child be murdered. Luckily the baby is saved. I wish I could say the same for some of the other kids in the film, who are abducted by the witches and never seen again, with heavy implications that they were killed or worse. Pretty heavy stuff for kids right? You'd never see a scene like that in today’s children’s films. Even the IDEA of that one sequence would offend most parents these days. But what a deliciously sinister idea? To take the universal truth that kids must fear strangers, but not know why, and give them a reason that’s fantastical yes, but also dangerously close to reality. If you go with a stranger you will die. I often disobeyed my parents. After THE WITCHES I decided for myself to stay the hell away from strangers. So was I really harmed or emotionally scarred? By the movie? Absolutely not. I wasn't emotionally scarred until I was older and heard about what happens to lost children on the local news. They spared no details.


"Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple." - Dr. Seuss


So what happened? What happened to the days when danger was not only an acceptable inclusion in any children’s film, but a required one? As far back as the brothers Grimm children's stories have been filled to the brim with the threat of very real danger. This threat is all but void in today’s entertainment where the biggest danger to the characters is if they are going to pass a test or if they are going to get away with a prank without their parents finding out. These are not real world dangers. These are mild every day concerns. Children may be pacified, but they walk away with no ideas or thoughts. They don’t' ask their parents any questions about what they just saw. They don’t daydream or have nightmares about the implications in what was at the theater that week. They sit. They watch. They move on. The poor parents see this act as a chore they must begrudgingly carry out from time to time. It's not that Hollywood doesn't want to aspire to make good quality family entertainment. Although the almighty dollar rules over all, I have no doubt that every project released at the very least started off with nothing but the best of intentions. The problem is they are afraid to offend.

In this day and age the most poisonous thing that can happen to anything is a negative opinion. Everyone feels like they MUST have one. And if one person thinks their kids got a little too frightened in a movie, then it's obviously to that Child's detriment. Therefore the filmmakers were irresponsible for putting it in. Then that’s a very serious problem. "But what about the children" is every pissed off parents "go to" exclamation. In my humble opinion children are faced with very real danger every day of their lives, just like every human being on the planet, they just don’t' realize how much danger they are in until they are older and more mature. Movies have the power to influence kid’s minds no doubt, but who's to say it's wrong if a movie plants seeds of maturity? What is so wrong with challenging our children and their families with ideas that they are probably already facing in their real life? I blame the parents for becoming much too politically correct. Everyone is so afraid of offending someone else that they'd rather have no stimulation at all as opposed to chancing stimulation that might be...what? Too intense? Inappropriate? Offensive?


"I asked my mum, who's a very clever psychotherapist, and she says that kids love stories about death; they need it, they need to have stories that deal with death and explain it, as a place to put their fears." - Roald Dahl


Films have a certain power over kids. They emulate what they see. They ponder what they don't. Consciously or subconscious they mull over the thoughts and ideas they are presented with. I just wish they made movies of this nature in our present time. A movie can be an invaluable resource to a child and likewise to a family. A resource that is currently going untapped I'm afraid. But the entertainment industry, like everything else, follows the trends of the times. Hopefully thought provoking and challenging family entertainment comes back into fashion once again.

INCEPTION

Christopher Nolan has made a masterpiece. HIS masterpiece. By this point everyone knows the plot so I won’t rehash it here. What I will do is try and put into words why I didn't like it. Please, before you tense up and say "whatever, you just don't get it" hear the words that are coming out of my mouth (how’s that for sacrilegious, a rush hour reference in a Nolan review, hehehe).

The basic plot of the film is a simple heist, only instead of stealing something, they have to plant something, and idea. Instead of a bank it's someone’s mind. Instead of cracking a code you have to delve into the depths of a person’s mind. What an elaborate and fascinating idea. Nolan is no stranger to playing with plot structure to help tell a story, something he did to masterful effect in MEMENTO. Where the fractured structure of the plot actually BECAME a part of the storytelling. Here he has crafted a plot structure as complex as the mind these thieves have to infiltrate. You can just sense how much fun it was for him to come up with all these rules, then play with them and twist and bend the very concept in every direction it could be taken. What I LOVED about this is how you never see a "good" example of how things should go. Usually in a film with this much exposition you have someone that explains what’s supposed to happen, you see an example of that, and your fully informed as an audience member so at the end of the film when that situation arises, and things inevitably go wrong, you know what’s going on, even when it's not going the right way. Here, every time Nolan has a character set something up, and it starts to happen, it goes wrong. You learn about the "rules" of this universe from how things SHOULDN'T have been done. It's a little detail that forces you to think even through the portions of the film that are usually reserved for expository speeches.

But therein lays my very issue with this film as a whole. People are calling it a "thinking man’s summer blockbuster" which couldn't be further from the truth. That label implies the piece inspires thought and discussion about the ideas presented therein. INCEPTION will cause debate, and many will want to go watch it again, but it'll only to gain better understanding of the plot, and how all the dots are connected, if in fact they are. I trust Nolan, and though there are a few fuzzy spots in continuity, I have no doubt that all the t's are crossed, and all the i's are dotted. My issue with him is that he made a film where the entire point of its existence was for a film to have the very nature of a labyrinth, where the point of it existing is for it to wrap end over end upon itself, with twists and turns integral to the plot. You see what I’m talking a lot about here? PLOT. There is just so much of it. So much in fact, that there is literally no time for anything else, including character. Ellen Paige’s character is a brilliant college student who is asked to join this group of thieves in this highly illegal operation to delve into someone’s mind. She doesn't hesitate. A college student with a bright future just jumps right into this thing. WHAT?!?! They don't even offer a single solitary line of dialogue to explain why she'd do such a thing that even the most dubious of people in society would at least think about first. Why not? Because the movie itself could care less about this chick, or her motivations, or anyone else’s. Maybe if I was a mathematician I’d have enjoyed it more. Its' all about the how’s and not about the why's, which is a personal preference for me. If this film gave half a damn about the characters as it did the masterwork of a plot, maybe I’d have more interest in the plot itself.

SPOILERS BELOW!!!!

Ok, now here are my two main complaints about the film:
The wife: De Caprio's wife is a psycho bitch. Well, that how he remembers it anyway. Her memory keeps coming up to get in the way of his missions. The second I saw this device, which has been used many, many times before in other far inferior films I thought "oh god, this is predictable, but Nolan being Nolan I’m sure this will play out very unexpectedly." when in fact it played out note for note exactly how I thought it would. Down to the very last scene. Granted this time it featured two of our generations’ best actors and was done so much better than before. But at the end of a nightmare on elm street heather lagenkamp looks at Freddy in her dreams and says "you’re only as powerful as I make you. I’m not afraid of you anymore" and Freddy vaporizes. High art it aint but the idea is there. That idea is used here for inception. WOW, for such a complex movie I guessed the ending of that part in the first ten minutes.

The last shot: once again a device that has been used before. The last shot makes you wonder if it was all a dream, or if it was all real. The answer is that it doesn’t matter. Either way, Leo Decaprio's struggle through the film is to come to terms with his wife’s death, which one way or another he did. So if he's dreaming in limbo or in real life with his kids, he's happy and at peace. My issue with it is that Nolan threw it in there not because it was important to the character, or even the plot, but it makes you think. It’s ambiguous, but for no other reason than to be ambiguous. Any emotion that scene could have had is robbed by that last shot. Just like the opening passages of the film never just explain anything straight through, he had to mess it up so you had to focus on what was going on. It's not an easy film to watch. You have to bring your a-game. But for what pay off? Emotionally there is none.

END SPOILERS!!!!!!

Christopher Nolan has made a masterpiece. It will no doubt be studied in film class for years to come, as it should be. There are moments of sheer bliss. The zero gravity fight is breathtaking. Many have compared it to the matrix, which is a falsehood I feel. It has more in common with 2001 a space odessy. I wish there were more moments like that, or when the city of Paris folds over onto itself. A small throwaway moment of Ellen Paige shutting mirrored doors on each other that were hidden in broad daylight. It’s a visual trick that conveys an idea. It’s quick, fun and inventive. These moments are few and far between. Obviously the film succeeds on its own terms, and there for is a resounding success. I personally don't mind investing every inch of brainpower into a thick and deep film, if there is a payoff for it. MEMENTO had that, but I was so invested in that mans journey I’d have watched and sifted through a 5 hour version of it. Here, the payoff is in the plot's construction itself. For some that is more than enough. For me, that misses the entire point of why I watch film in the first place. Clearly Nolan is still one of my favorite directors, as this is easily the longest review I’ve ever written, and it was for a film I ultimately didn't enjoy. But I do respect it.

PREDATORS

Topher Grace (yes, the dude from “that 70’s show) is running through the jungle at full speed screaming “shoot him already!” to his cohorts while an angry predator alien chases him down. Just in the nick of time a gunshot is heard and the predator drops. Once all the mercenaries gather around the body and topher grace chews them out for using him as bait, the sniper who took him out looks at her bullet lodged in a tree and ominously states “look, I didn’t hit him…I missed.” They all look down and realize they are inches away from the enemy now and completely vulnerable. This is but one of many “holy shit” moments that come at you in quick succession in PREDATORS, a pseudo sequel to the 87’ Schwarzenegger classic which also and wisely ignores the entire god awful predator vs. aliens films.

Another great “holy shit” moment: The opening credits. After the 20’Th century fox logo, smash cut to Adrian broody waking up while he’s free falling with a parachute strapped to his back. As he struggles to find the rip cord, the clouds he’s falling through clear to reveal a dense jungle. He pulls his cord seconds before hitting the top layer, crashing through foliage and branches until slamming onto the ground. PREDATORS slaps across the screen for a few seconds, and its back to the film.

Robert Rodriguez and Nimrod Antel (what an unfortunate name, but he made VACANCY, so I’ll give him a break) have crafted a near perfect summer adult entertainment. The plot is simple and to the point. There is no attempt to re invent the wheel here. They take the first film and build off its mythology, but never is there a sit down exposition scene. The characters are in the dark as to why they landed on this strange planet, and therefore so is the audience. What works is they have cast each person with a well known character actor. Yes, they are all fodder and you can see a mile away which ones will make it and which ones won’t, but its fun to see these guys cram as much character development into their brief scenes as they can.

Speaking of getting killed off, holey shit! I won’t spoil too much as most, if not all the fun in watching this sucker is to see all the inventive and violent and GORY AS HELL ways everyone gets picked off. One highlight I will share is this: someone gets their spine ripped out of their backs from the base all the way up to the skull…..while they are still alive! And that’s not even the coolest one.
It’s fast as lightening, full of fun and interesting characters, and doesn’t get bogged down with useless exposition. For some reason this summer at the movies has been an epic failure (remember IRON MAN 2? Yea, neither does anyone else) But thankfully PREDATORS has stepped up to the plate and delivers on all fronts. I can’t recommend this enough if you’re an action or horror fan.

• Side note. Adrian Brody is JACKED in this film. As in……holy shit is that a 10 pack?!?!?!?!! Wasn’t he a skinny wiry little fellow in his last movie? Homeboy been hittin the GYM!!!!!!!!!

The Next X-MEN film is going to be a masterpiece, and here's why....

With Kevin Bacon joining the cast as an unconfirmed villian, I thought it'd be a good time to post on the upcomming X-MEN reboot which i'm actually exited about, unlike sonys SPIDERMAN reboot, which will take a duying franchise and surely run it into the ground.

Matthew vaugn is an astoundingly great director. he's made the following movies:


O.K. then, now that your all caught up and are awar of the pure amazingness this man has proven himself capable of, lets get down to business. Matther Vaugn was hired to make X-MEN 3 and wrote a script which leaked and was called "THE DARK KNIGHT" level epic and amazing, and he even cast the entire thing. However 20'th Century Fox kept incisting he make certain changes. He refused and they quickly replaced him and what resulted was hands down one of the worst comic book films of all time. X-MEN 3: The Last Stand. Well, Vaugn went off and made a comic book film independently and that film was KICK ASS which was a modest success here in the states but a smath hit all over the world. More importantly it was critically well received, and the fan community ATE IT UP! 20'th Centure Fox comes BACK to Vaugn saying basically that they acknowledge that it was them that ran the series into the ground, and want to re-boot it, and want to let him have complete creative controll this time to start over and do it right. BEST DECISION EVER! here is the cast of the upcomming X-MEN: FIRST CLASS

James McAvoy as Professor X (WANTED, NARNIA)


Michael Fassbender as Magneto (he was in 300)


Amber Heard as Mistique (she was the lead in the amazing ALL THE BOYS LOVE MANDY LANE, as well as PINAPPLE EXPRESS)

Nicholas Hoult (the guy from ABOUT A BOY and SKINS) as Beast


Lucas Till as Havoc (and yes thats the dude from the Miley Cyrus movie and the Taylor Swift video!)


Aaron Johnson as Cyclops (KICK ASS himself!)


Alice Eve as Emma Frost. (she was in "she's out of my league")


The film is written by the same team that made KICK ASS, LAYER CAKE and STARDUST. It will be hitting theaters in JUNE of 2011. I'm saying it here and now. Expect great things.........

COLDPLAY DOES KYLIE

I know this is an old video. but in honor of the release of APHRODITE, thought I'd post this awsome tribute. KYLIE was scheduled to perform at the Glastonbury festival but had to pull out at the last minute due to being diagnosed with breast cancer. Her replacements COLDPLAY lead Chris Martin has been good friends with KYLIE for many years and did this touching tribute. Simply amazing.